Belonging

Our Druid Study Circle is contemplating the meaning of belonging. We have been working through prompts and sharing what belonging means to each of us personally. We have quickly discovered the collective wound we share around relationships, and we are tenderly witnessing each other as we gently clean this wound together, applying the salve of loving attention and kindness.

I carry around a satchel of memories that occasionally spills, the contents reminding me of my struggles with belonging. When one of these memories spills into my lap, I sometimes follow the words back to the feelings of the memory, and wonder if it is possible for me to ever be safe in relationships.

Some of the phrases that spill out the most are: "Everyone knows they are safe with Eryn, but no one wants to have a beer with her on Friday night." "We tried to love you, but you just couldn't receive it. You keep everyone at arm's length." "I wanted to give this to you, but I know how you live." "Eryn is part of a group that wants to consolidate power by pushing others out, and that power needs to be checked."

All of these memories originated in someone's perception of me. No fun. Too guarded. Bad housekeeper. Power hungry.

Fun to the person who gave me this memory is a beer on Friday night. Fun for me is walking alone in the forest or a board game with my kids.

The kind of love that this person was trying to give me felt unsafe. I was guarded to protect myself. The accusations proved my guardedness was warranted.

The way I live is perfectly fine. I have children and pets. There is dog hair and dust. Our home is full of love and laughter and magick.

Our group was consolidating power, and it did need to be checked. I just couldn't see it at the time.

Some of these memories are projections and efforts at control by the people I was trying to belong to. In some cases, these were hard truths that I couldn't see and these reprimands were helpful to bring me into a fuller apprehension of reality. Knowing the difference is the tight rope of relationship.

We all have a satchel like this. We all have wounds in relationship. We all have needs that were not met, or poorly met, that color our perception and expectation in community. As I deepen my willingness and ability to belong, I realize that this skill comes from my ability to belong to myself first.

When I belong to myself, and know myself well, I know when difficulties in relationship are a gift for growth and when they are a danger erupting from the wounds and unmet needs of another. I know when to stay and heal together, and when to choose distance for my own safety. I know when I want to put the work in to change my behavior or my outlook for the health of the relationship, and when to hold a firm boundary around my own perception and experience.

Healing in any relationship is impossible without a healthy relationship with ourselves first.